Counseling Services 

Transitions 

As you send your child to college, you probably realize that their life and yours is going to change. Following are some helpful hints, (or RULES FOR PARENTS)  that our staff has put together to help the process. 

Rule #1: Don't ask them if they're homesick.
It may never occur to a student to be homesick, with all of the new activities and changes going on.  Then one night a well meaning family member calls and asks.

"Are you homesick?"

The first few days/weeks of school are activity -packed and the challenge of meeting new people and adjusting to new situations takes up most of a student's time and energy.  So, unless they're reminded, they may be able to escape feeling homesick. But if your student really is homesick, be supportive.  Transitions can be difficult. Encourage your student to talk to someone - their peer advisor, RA (Resident Assistant), RD (Residence Director), academic advisor, or to call Counseling Services.

Rule #2: Write (even if they don't write back). 
Although students are typically eager to experience all of the away from home independence they can in those first weeks, most are still anxious for family ties and the security those ties bring. Any student will tell you that there is nothing more disappointing than a week of empty mailboxes.  Don't expect a reply to every letter or email that you write. The alternating sequence of "I write one, you write one" doesn't always work for students.  Take advantage of e-mail, but don't forget it's really fun to get packages, cards or letters in your student mailbox.

Rule #3: Ask questions (but not too many).
College students think they're "cool", and they have a tendency to resent interference with their new found lifestyle.  But most still desire the security of knowing that someone is still interested in them. Family curiosity can seem intrusive and alienating, or relief giving and supportive, depending on the attitude of the person involved.  "I have a right to know" or nagging questions should be avoided.  However, honest inquiries and other adult communication and discussion can do much deepen the relationship with your student. 

Rule #4: Expect Change (but not too much).
Your student may change drastically within the first months, slowly over four years, or somewhere in between.  It's natural, inevitable, and can be inspiring. Often, it is a pain in the neck. The college experience can affect changes in social, vocational and personal behavior and choices. You can't stop change. You may not even understand it.  However, it is to your mutual advantage and within your power to accept it.  Remember your student will be basically the same person you sent away to school.  But, their interests, ideas, and attitudes may change.  Don't expect too much, too soon.

CAUTION:
Maturity is not instantaneous. 
Please be patient!

Rule #5: Don't worry too much about panic phone calls or emails. 
Often when troubles become too much for a first year student to handle, (a failed test, ended relationship, room-mate issues and a shrunken T-shirt all in one day) the place to turn,  write or dial is home.  Sometimes, unfortunately this is the only time the urge to communicate is felt so strongly.  You may never get to hear about the "A" on a paper, the new boyfriend or the laundromat triumph.In the "crisis" times your student can unload trouble or tears, and, after the catharsis, return to their routine relieved and lightened, while you inherit the burden of worry.  Be patient with those nothing-is going right-I- hate-this-place phone calls or emails. You're providing a real service as a sympathetic ear, which can work wonders for a frustrated student.  If you are really worried, call the school and get in touch with the Office of Student Life or Counseling Services.

Rule #6:  Visit (but not too often).
Visits by the family are another part of the first-year events that students are reluctant to admit liking, but may appreciate greatly. These visits give a student the chance to introduce some of the important people in both worlds (home and school) to each other.  Additionally, it is a way for family to become familiar with their student's new activities, commitments and friends. Spur-of-the-moment "surprises" are usually not appreciated. Make your plans with your student.  An especially good time to visit is College Family Weekend. 

Rule #7: Do not tell your student, "These are the best years of your life."
The first year, and the following, can be full of indecision, insecurities, disappointments, and most of all, mistakes.  These years are also full of discovery, inspiration, good times, and good friends.  Unfortunately, it's not always the good times that stand out. Not all college students know what they want in a major, get good grades, have activity packed weekends, numerous close friends, or lead carefree lives.  Those who insist upon this ideal of "the best years" stereotype work against a student's already difficult self-development.  Those who accept and understand the highs and lows of their student's reality are providing essential support and encouragement.

Rule #8:  Trust Them.
Finding oneself is a difficult enough process without feeling that those whose opinions you respect most are second guessing your own second guesses. Allowing your student to make decisions and solve problems on their own can help build self confidence.  Knowing you are available to talk, listen, and offer encouragement is very reassuring and the best support you can offer.

Rule #9: Don't remodel their room.

The first visit home can be emotionally turbulent for both family and student.  For students it may also be a time to ponder some of the changes that have occurred in their lives. Coming home to find that bedroom which just weeks ago was a private haven has been turned into a sewing room or den can be very disconcerting.  It may leave them feeling cut off from the rest of the family, or pushed from the nest.  If you are looking at changing their space, please remember to discuss it with them in advance and take their desires and needs into consideration.

Rule #10: Contact the College when you have a strong concern.
When should you get involved?  Encourage you student to handle minor problems, but contact the following offices if you become concerned with:

• Repeated tearful phone calls
• Significant weight lost
• Frequent illness or fatigue
• Changes in their behavior or signs of depression

Office of Student Life: (413) 662-5249
Counseling Services (413) 662-5331
Health Services (413) 662-5421
Dean of Students Office (413) 662-5231 

Consultations to Parents and Confidentiality. You know your student better than anyone, and home is often the first place a distressed student will turn for help. Consultations are available to parents via phone or in person. Parents are encouraged to call Counseling Services at 413-662-5331 and discuss any concerns they may have regarding the well-being of their student. It is important to understand  strict and complete confidentiality applies for all students who come to Counseling Services and who are at least 18 years old. Counseling Services is not at liberty to confirm or deny that a student has been seen, nor disclose any information without a signed Release of Information form. 

What Counseling Services can provide is consultation that is specific to your concerns, suggestions and recommendations on how to best enhance your student's well-being. During consults we may advise you to encourage your student to meet with a counselor. If needed, we can facilitate connecting with other on-campus services.